Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I depend on others to feel happy. And too often my expectations are just too damn high to be actually met, maybe that's why I can't let myself feel complete happiness. Just don't let myself feel happy.
Weirdly enough, if everything does go well, I have to ruin it. Cause it's better to hurt myself than let others hurt me.

Thought I felt better these last ten or whatever days. Tonight I'm wondering when it's gonna end.

When happiness is dependent on other people.. it doesn't last too long.

 But I like this feeling. A hint of maybe actual happiness. And I'm scared of losing it.
So scared of losing you.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sleep deprived

Which is weirder - that I turned this blog into kind of a diary or that I am in my uni's reading room about to watch tv series (have two spare hours) and am drinking milk? It feels weird just writing this all in a public place, usually I do it at home or whatever. I wish I could communicate telepathically, I'd like a cup of coffee, but don't want to move from this place. Only slept for like 3-4 hours tonight. I don't know how that happens. Seems that I am always tired after uni and then working until late.. but still can't fall asleep. And then have to get up early in the morning. Insomnia, anxiety.. these are not things to mess around with. It's probably obvious how sleep deprived I am, I don't even make sense. This whole entry is not even coherent or whatever. Jeez, I'm hungry. Gotta drink my milk.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Sentimental shit pt.2

'Sometimes you have to get burned to see the truth.'

You know that feeling of being too much while at the same time not being enough? Well, I do. I carry that feeling around at all times, every single day I'm torn between not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. and being too damn clingy, too fucking crazy, too obsessed, too much drama, too much sadness, too much faking. When in reality... I'm not happy, I'm not even fine. I smile because you want me to. You don't really care if I'm happy or not, you don't really care why I'm not smiling, it is so much easier just to fake everything. 'Oh, nothing really, you know, didn't sleep well' with a silly smile following. I got so good at it. Faking. Too much faking. Not good enough to show you the real me.
Don't feel committed to talk to me now, I don't need that. I'm too tired of talking. Yes, tired. Of everything. Of my own bullshit. I wish I was just able to click and be somewhat normal. But I guess it always was a part of me, and can't get it off now. Seven years trying and no actual success.
I see the truth.
So just let me be as I am.
Just let go.
I'm gonna let go.