Saturday, May 3, 2014

real deal

it used to be easier to pretend
just fake a smile
i'm fine
and once is enough

it's constant now
oh i'm so happy so hilarious i've got so many things to say to you add a smiley another one another one another one another one
think of what to say to look happy
cannot care about myself or how i really feel
have to care about you and what you want
have to keep you happy

oh well at least i don't have to lie that i'm fine anymore

cause you don't really care though do you

Friday, May 2, 2014

others don't always seem to get
you know yourself better
than they do

what have you been through
or your mind
what runs in it

your heart
and the blood that
should be warm

but runs cold

Thursday, May 1, 2014

i'm so sorry for feeling bad
and for wanting you to be there for me

to care

i'm so sorry i give you everything
and ask for a little bit
in return

i didn't mean to be so needy
but i just need you.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

fuck everything

slit my wrists
i don't care

i'm gone
without you

oh god
i feel so sick
my eyes are burning
my head
throw up
to clean myself from the inside


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

nothing to offer

Thought I was doing good last week, but went back to bad. Just a few remarks from certain people and everything seems worthless again. Why do I even try, I know I will never succeed in being somewhat normal.

I have nothing to offer.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

what does it feel like

'What does it feel like to have depression?'
'I'm not depressed.'
'But all the things you write... They're depressing.'
'I'm not depressed. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, which I do not act on anymore, I'm sad, but it's not depression. Yes, I can't fall asleep at night and then sleep till midday, but I do get up to do stuff like eat and watch my favorite tv series, and so on... I go to work, sometimes to uni. I feel shit, sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, like everyone else. I'm not numb. I'm not ill. I'm just more sad than happy.

'Just need someone else to feel less sad.'

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

not depressed

i look at my veins 
and i wish for them
to be cut.

the worst part is.. it's not a depression.
it's just..