Thursday, March 20, 2014

what does it feel like

'What does it feel like to have depression?'
'I'm not depressed.'
'But all the things you write... They're depressing.'
'I'm not depressed. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, which I do not act on anymore, I'm sad, but it's not depression. Yes, I can't fall asleep at night and then sleep till midday, but I do get up to do stuff like eat and watch my favorite tv series, and so on... I go to work, sometimes to uni. I feel shit, sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, like everyone else. I'm not numb. I'm not ill. I'm just more sad than happy.

'Just need someone else to feel less sad.'

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

not depressed

i look at my veins 
and i wish for them
to be cut.

the worst part is.. it's not a depression.
it's just..

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

filling up

I was trying to fool myself. Pretend I have some kind of a switch, that can turn all my emotions off. Fuck no. I cannot pull off an emotionless bitch act for too long. Too many feelings. Filling up.

Out of it today. Maybe feeling it from the early morning, that's why today I'm filling myself with sweets. And sweet alcohol.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want.
Seems the things I get are not enough for me. I want more. I always want more.
But what is more?

Do I want love?

I cannot handle love.

Why did you leave. You were supposed to save me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


It's a good thing no one reads this shit. I can write whatever the fuck I want to. Whether it's actually about me or not. Some random rant. Or confession. Or just a blank page. Just like me. blank.

Who knows maybe I have created a version of myself for the society. For the people that surround me. Different girl for different people.
Of course everyone has their versions.
The most important thing to do is smile.

Maybe I should take control of my life, but I don't think I quite want to. It's so good. To not give a fuck. No expectations to be met. blank.

I fill my emptiness with alcohol, weed, and sex.