nothing to offer

Thought I was doing good last week, but went back to bad. Just a few remarks from certain people and everything seems worthless again. Why do I even try, I know I will never succeed in being somewhat normal.

I have nothing to offer.

what does it feel like

'What does it feel like to have depression?'

'I'm not depressed.'

'But all the things you write... They're depressing.'

'I'm not depressed. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, which I do not act on anymore, I'm sad, but it's not depression. Yes, I can't fall asleep at night and then sleep till midday, but I do get up to do stuff like eat and watch my favorite tv series, and so on... I go to work, sometimes to uni. I feel shit, sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, like everyone else. I'm not numb. I'm not ill. I'm just more sad than happy.

'Just need someone else to feel less sad.'

not depressed

i look at my veins 
and i wish for them
to be cut.









the worst part is.. it's not a depression.
it's just..
me

filling up

I was trying to fool myself. Pretend I have some kind of a switch, that can turn all my emotions off. Fuck no. I cannot pull off an emotionless bitch act for too long. Too many feelings. Filling up.

Out of it today. Maybe feeling it from the early morning, that's why today I'm filling myself with sweets. And sweet alcohol.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want.
Seems the things I get are not enough for me. I want more. I always want more.
But what is more?

Do I want love?

I cannot handle love.




Why did you leave. You were supposed to save me.

blank

It's a good thing no one reads this shit. I can write whatever the fuck I want to. Whether it's actually about me or not. Some random rant. Or confession. Or just a blank page. Just like me. blank.

Who knows maybe I have created a version of myself for the society. For the people that surround me. Different girl for different people.
Of course everyone has their versions.
The most important thing to do is smile.



Maybe I should take control of my life, but I don't think I quite want to. It's so good. To not give a fuck. No expectations to be met. blank.



I fill my emptiness with alcohol, weed, and sex.

Maybe

I depend on others to feel happy. And too often my expectations are just too damn high to be actually met, maybe that's why I can't let myself feel complete happiness. Just don't let myself feel happy.
Weirdly enough, if everything does go well, I have to ruin it. Cause it's better to hurt myself than let others hurt me.

Thought I felt better these last ten or whatever days. Tonight I'm wondering when it's gonna end.

When happiness is dependent on other people.. it doesn't last too long.



 But I like this feeling. A hint of maybe actual happiness. And I'm scared of losing it.
So scared of losing you.

Sleep deprived

Which is weirder - that I turned this blog into kind of a diary or that I am in my uni's reading room about to watch tv series (have two spare hours) and am drinking milk? It feels weird just writing this all in a public place, usually I do it at home or whatever. I wish I could communicate telepathically, I'd like a cup of coffee, but don't want to move from this place. Only slept for like 3-4 hours tonight. I don't know how that happens. Seems that I am always tired after uni and then working until late.. but still can't fall asleep. And then have to get up early in the morning. Insomnia, anxiety.. these are not things to mess around with. It's probably obvious how sleep deprived I am, I don't even make sense. This whole entry is not even coherent or whatever. Jeez, I'm hungry. Gotta drink my milk.